Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
