There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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