I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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