woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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