i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
