When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Panties = found
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
