Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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