I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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