The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
