Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
NoShamevember. You game?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
