we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
