I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
