he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm too high and old for this...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
