Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
