if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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