kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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