i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
