my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
