That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
