he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
