You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
