it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
