Im at strip club and am horny
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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