I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
