I am midnight drunk by noon
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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