We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
