I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
