i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
