I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
