I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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