I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
ttyl tear gas
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My liver just had a heart attack.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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