If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
