I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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