Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
