You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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