just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
