I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
