I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
