you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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