Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
