I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
