I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
