He kissed a someone with a penis
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
