My balls are so social today.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
