Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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