We named our party play list daddy issues
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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