dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
