i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My balls are so social today.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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