If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
