Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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