You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
