Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
