Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
