Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
