Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
