i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
