Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
